To: the one that’ll never change.

I think I should start off by saying “sorry.” I’m sorry life dealt you a bad hand. I’m sorry that it’s filled with nothing but disappointments and anger. I’m sorry that you never got to find yourself and probably never will. I’m sorry that you are the person you are. There’s nothing I wish for more than a different kind of life for you. But those kinds of wishes aren’t given. They’re earned. I can wish all I want. And so can you. But no matter how many times you hope for it, it won’t happen. Because you know it’s not something you can handle.

I have tried everything and thought every idea to try and understand you. All that has resulted in is repeated chances. Chances you don’t even ask for. Chances you expect. And though she’ll never stop handing them to you, I’m done. Done being angry, done being hopeless, done being sad. You expect chances, I expect nothing. Anymore at least.

What this latest incident has shown me is your inability to own up to yourself. I think I’ve always known that you would never change, but I thought that came from a subconscious being. But no. You choose to be this way. You choose to be a horrible role model, an evil partner to ___, an enemy to me, and pain to ___. Everything you did, I labeled as part of the equation of you having a shitty life. Through everything, I always seemed to admire your hardworking tendencies. I felt sorry for you. I mean, goddamn, I’ve spent nearly my whole life so far making up mental excuses for you — telling myself that I had to let it go because I won’t ever really know how you feel. But of course, I have myself to blame for those. You have no idea how much I tried. And how ironic is it all? That it’s all part of a sick fucking game to you.

You gave yourself a lifetime pass because of something that happened in another era. You keep working hard. Not out of commitment & love. But to keep tabs on how much you “do for us,” so you can use it against us. There’s no use in talking anymore. Not even to fight.

No, I won’t ignore you. I won’t even be mean. Because I don’t care anymore. If this is how you want things to be, I’ll support that. But just know…I quit being your ____. I will never take credit for being a good ___. I wasn’t. I always gave you attitude, never expressed love to you, didn’t succeed like I should’ve. But one thing I will always take for credit? I never gave up.

Till now. I’ll play it your way. Everything I do from now on, will be to live a life so opposite yours that it hurts. I will never let you get in the way anymore. I’m sorry it has to go this way. I’m sorry you never got what you wanted. I’m sorry that this is life. Yours. But never mine.

Which way do we go?

In light of everything that’s going on around the world and especially our nation today, I find myself becoming more and more silent.

One of the biggest privileges we have as Americans is that of compelling diversity and the rights to nourish our opinions. After all, our states are built on the hard fought efforts of citizens and those opinions. Whether it be the fight for independence, the fight for equal rights, or the fight for success. Opinions fuel the American life. There’s no doubt about that.

However, it’s becoming harder for me to tap into the nobility of these rights we hold onto. I feel as though I’ve always put our people on a pedestal (perhaps the whole world does). But my biggest struggle is trying to understand when it all got so complicated. And I can only speak for the years I’ve lived, being that it is all I know.

When there are nations at war from the inside-out, disintegrating because the lines of right and wrong are so blurred, should I rally for the humanity of innocent civilians or for the peace of our own war-weary nation? When tragedy strikes us, all I can hear are the exhortations of government conspiracies instead of the hopes and wishes for the lives we have lost. I find it immensely disheartening to know that our President has lost any and all respect from his once-followers. We simply resort to regret and remove ourselves from the supporting foundation. I’m not vouching for the community of pro-Obama — I merely state my loss in faith in our democracy. I fear that we, as Americans, have lost our way. We no longer know what is right and what is wrong. But most of all, I fear that in the midst of continuously claiming our victory as a nation united, what we really are, is alone.

Heart lessons.

We continuously find ourselves drawing up ideas of what we require in love. But in all honesty, what do we really know about ourselves?

We grow. We fall. We rise. We learn.

The only thing I know for sure is that I’m scared. Scared to completely fall. Scared to completely love. At the same time, I trust that to love is to be scared. To believe that the person we choose will protect what we build.

I want nothing like a perfect love. I’ve learned enough lessons to know that perfections don’t exist in that world. Nor should it.

I want to fight. I want you to yell at me when I make you mad.I want to cry when you make me sad and not have to explain myself to you. But I still want you to sit there next to me for as long as I need.
I want to disagree. And then agree to disagree over dinner.
I want to celebrate every blessing that comes our way. However small, however big.
I want you to never forget me as the person you fell in love with. No matter how many times I decide to change.
I want to cater to you – every dinner, every Superbowl, every… anything.
I want you to believe in me. Especially when I don’t.
I want to tell you to shut up when you’re being annoying. And then I want you to keep being annoying.
I want us to never stop laughing.
I want to talk about my feelings, while you try to understand. Even though you never will.
I want you to always feel lucky to have me. Even when I make you lose faith.
I want us to be happy. Whatever that may mean to each of us.
I want us to support each other. With no boundaries.
I want to compromise with you. Not for you.
I want to stay scared. To always remind me of what I have to lose.
I want you… someone who will never give up on me. And who will never stop fighting for us.

Overcoming the changes.

It feels like ages since I’ve logged in here. Life sort of happened and I’ve been too preoccupied that I didn’t feel the need to write much. ‘Till today. But before I’m ready to share today’s, here’s something I wrote last month.

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I’ve always known it,  but I think the past week was a good reminder that life really doesn’t wait around for you. There’s always that little part of us that likes to believe that if we leave and come back, everything will feel familiar and it’ll be like nothing’s changed. Going back to the city I always felt comfortable in, didn’t feel as how I expected it. It was a little bit like I no longer fit in and the people around me had moved on. Of course, no one in their right mind expects the world to be put on hold to wait for their return. Yet it can’t be denied — the disheartening reaction. But all in all, I realize that it’s a good thing. It’s good to see people moving along rather than being stuck. It’s good to see people changing rather than staying afraid of the inevitable. I mean, that’s life, right? To keep moving forward? I remembered how many people come in and out of my life. It’s always hard sensing the end of a relationship, whether it’s a friend, significant other, or even family. And the “end” might be sudden, temporary, or very gradual. It’s our decision whether or not we fight for that person. That decision will come naturally. It’s good to constantly remind ourselves that the right people will stay in your life. Maybe that person, you saw in your future, but never forget that they’ll change. As will you. If the both of you don’t fit with each other anymore, that’s ok. What might’ve felt like home at one point can feel like undiscovered terrains. In the end, you’ll find a new home.

The city that really never sleeps (PT. I).

Oh my. It’s been a crazy few weeks and haven’t been able to keep this updated. My next few posts will mainly be focusing on restaurants, attractions, and things I did – just FYI. If you’re looking for suggestions in San Francisco and New York, the following may or may not help :)

For Spring Break, I flew back to SF for a few days and traveled to NY with a friend. SF was nice – good to see old friends and to just be in my city again. Went wild at Chug Pub (as I always do) and threw back many bombs. Some of my favorites? Silverback (Hypnotiq + 151 + Red Bull) and Flaming Dr. Pepper (amaretto + 151 + beer).

We rendezvoused for dinner at Southern Pacific Brewing the next night (nice IPA and great ambiance, but do yourself a favor and skip the mac and cheese).

Mission District, SF

Mission District, SF

I, of course, had to get my In-N-Out fix.

Animal style! With chiles added.

Animal style! With chiles added.

And feed my pho craving at PPQ. Meat on the side please!

Relaxed with a very necessary foot massage at Relax Feet, this time at the Taraval location. It’s some real deep tissue shit over here. Not for the frou frou type of clients though, so beware if you fit that description. You walk in the front door and see like 6 massage chairs in one room and that’s as much privacy as you’ll get. But $30 for an hour? Legit.

Had brunch at La Boulange (Noe Valley) and was sadly disappointed. This place is usually a favorite of mine, but this particular location was a let down. I guess I should’ve stuck with my regular black coffee and tomato/basil/goat cheese sandwich.

La Boulange de Noe.

La Boulange de Noe.

Hot Pot Garden – the place to go! About $25 for all you can eat. Tom Yum broth, nom nom nommmm.

Always a good time in SF. Join me next time for my recollection of day one in New York :)

24 years, 24 gifts.

So I’ve made it 24 years in this world. Go me! It’s a little upsetting that birthdays don’t seem as exciting anymore. I guess it’s normal. More and more, it just feels like another day gone by and I realize that really, it’s not all about me. Hmm, sounds cynical… but I don’t mean it to be. I just don’t get a kick out of planning huge parties for myself and expecting to be showered with gifts anymore. I just feel thankful. Thankful that I’ve made it to another year. So in an effort to keep the bigger picture in mind, here’s a list of some of the gifts that life has given me so far – that I stay indebted to.

  1. The people. Family, friends, enemies, boys, strangers – everyone. We all have lots of bad things to say about humankind. But in all honesty, I feel really lucky to be a part of what we are. We’re pretty  amazing. Which expands to my deep appreciation of my relationships – past, present, and future. Every interaction, good and bad, I am simply grateful.
  2. My shitty childhood. I mean, no one really knows. There’s a select few that I’ve shared stories with. No one knows all of it except myself, obviously. But who in the hell has time for that sob story? I used to spend so much time despising what I had to go through, hating life because of it all. Now I realize I’d be nowhere without those experiences.
  3. Korean food. Yeah I’m biased, but it really is the best. Hands down. If you’re one of those people that think KBBQ and kimchi is Korean food, go away. Along with those that think burritos and tacos are Mexican food, those that think kung pao chicken and broccoli beef is Chinese food, etc.
  4. The ’90s. Again – biased, but who the fuck cares. I killed bitches at pogs.
  5. Painful laughter. ROFL? LMAO? Alright, literally – I type this all the time and not ONCE have I really been rolling on the floor or even physically laughing. I probably just smile, if that. It’s ok, we all do it. There are only a handful of times I’ve laughed so damn hard that I’m crying and in real pain. I remember all of them. And damn… good times.
  6. Nature. Water, trees, air, dirt, animals, clouds, all of it. We live in a breathtaking world.
  7. Fear. What else pushes us that hard?
  8. Bad TV. The Bachelor, Jersey Shore, everything Kardashian, anything on Bravo. There’s just something about knowing how horrible that shit is, that makes it so damn good.
  9. San Francisco. The 1st and only place that’s ever felt like “home”.
  10. A$AP Rocky. Aka Lord Flacko. Aka Rakim Mayers. That pretty motherfucker. In love, OBSESSED. Any video on YouTube that has him in it? I’ve watched all of them. Le sigh…
  11. My sisters. One of my biggest accomplishments and treasures. Too much has changed, but nothing can kill what this sisterhood has given me, shown me, and taught me. Sigma Omicron Pi.
  12. Tears. If you really know me, you know I cry. And I’m really not ashamed.
  13. White boys. All day.
  14. Teachers and educators. The ones that don’t need a paycheck. The ones that actually care. The ones that make a difference.
  15. America. God bless the U.S. of A. Yeah there’s a lot of bullshit around here. But what place doesn’t? There will always be something wrong and there will always be someone pointing it out. Any damn place you live. So shut up and appreciate. Or just leave. You could do that, too.
  16. Carl Rogers. One of our forefathers of humanistic psychology. Thank you for the work you did and left behind. Your contributions continue to amaze the people. And I for one, choose to live by them.
  17. Hot showers. I really believe this is one of those things we take for granted way too much. Next time you have one, just stand there and take it in. Think about it. We’d be lost.
  18. Eyeliner. Can’t live without it.
  19. Writing. I’ve always enjoyed it, but just recently started utilizing it as therapy. Best decision of my life.
  20. Whiskey. Let me not sit here and pretend I’m some sort of a connoisseur. Because I’m not. But if we’re drinking, don’t ask me, “Clear or dark?”
  21. The music. I hate when people ask me what my favorite type of music is. Because half the time we ask this question, we innately judge each other or just lie. So let’s just not. Music is beautiful, no matter what you and I like. We don’t have to agree with what’s best, but at least be true to what you enjoy. Oh and listen to Radiohead. Just do it.
  22. Drugs. I’m proud to say I’ve been completely drug (and tobacco!) free since January of this year. Quitting the sticks was a conscious effort, but the drugs just kind of wore off. Not to go into too much detail – I’ve done and tried everything I was interested in. I’m a true believer that everyone should try what they want, if they want. If hard addiction kicks in, unfortunately, it was taken too far. But I’m no one’s mother. I just had an open mind, did what I wanted, and saw the world in so many different ways. Pun intended.
  23. Dreaming. You know, while sleeping. Having dreams is so fascinating to me. All the underlying causal beliefs, the vividness, the stories. So amazing.
  24. The mind. Probably the most important thing to me. I cherish my ability to think. I am nothing without my mind.

Where do you draw the line?

Yes, times are shitty. I got that. Yes, it feels like everything is coming at you all at the same time. I got that. But at some point, this self pity has got to end. I’m so tired of listening to everything that’s going wrong. It’s called “going through a rough time”. So how about you go through it and deal with it instead of digging yourself deeper and deeper. I’ve tried really hard to shut my mouth and quiet my own struggles. So that you can feel like your problems are the world’s worst. So that you can keep thinking about yourself. But maybe that’s my mistake. Oh wait. But every other option would turn into my bad anyway. I know how this works. Your undying contradictions made whole with fallacies – a little circular reasoning? Or the slippery slope, possibly? Shit, maybe it’s both.

I’ve been silent.

Do you even see that? Do you even get what’s going on? How can every question you ask yourself go back to beginning with “why” and ending with “me”? Is it that bad? It’s not. And I know that answer because it’s never that bad. When all you’re doing is sitting there expecting for shit to turn around and feeling disappointed when your “rightful” expectations of everyone else is caught dead – something should click. No one’s to say that your expectations aren’t right. But what about you? Why is it, that you’re unable to ask yourself that one question? Life doesn’t owe you a goddamn thing. You do. So stop taking it so damn personally, stop blaming the world, and please - stop using me. I’ve drawn my line… when will you?

Thoughts…

from a rough past few weeks.

Today felt as though family didn’t exist. Just for today. Obviously that’s a far fetched feeling from the truth. Some would say dramatic even. But I think it’s ok to let those feelings… be felt. We so often want to be a better person than how we really feel inside. Last night was in some ways, an exact replica of those childhood emotions. A mother so distraught, so consumed in her self pity, yet her strength was still evident. And then there’s the father. So lost in his life-long sorrow mixed in with his never ending rage. Standing side by side with no element of love for each other. They have a lot of moments like this. They always did. Moments where each word exchanged was like twisting a knife through my insides. And there’s nothing I can do, but watch. When I was younger, it was all fear and an escape plan. And yes, some of the same instincts still reside. But it’s a little different this time. It’s a little like I’m trying to understand – rather than hide from it. Maybe I do understand and I just want to help. Unfortunately, there’s nothing I can do. It wasn’t always like this for them. I have to believe in that. Because I know they never stop trying. Even though I can see the unwillingness to live inside them. It’s goddamn heartbreaking. But this is how they’re dealing with it. Some would try and make it better. Truth is, I spent too much time blaming them for not showing me how to be happy. When really, they’re being the best versions of themselves that they know how to be. Instead of stepping in, I’m understanding. Of course I know their potential is bigger than they know. But it’s not a help for me to pound that into them. We ultimately listen to ourselves. And I can only hope that they may see that potential before they take their last breath.

So the day after went by just as it should. Pretty much just silence. There’s some bursts of trying to break the silence. But it’s all it really is. Eventually, it will get back to normal. And we’ll re-visit these feelings again.

One thing stays true every time. They never completely give up. Maybe it’s for me. I say that with the least amount of narcissism. I think they’re longing for my success. The same way I am. I think they’re waiting to learn how to be happy. From me.

Too much.

My appreciation for the mind has grown significantly these past few months. I honestly believe it’s something we all take for granted, a little too much. To us, it’s just a necessity. It’s so automatic that we rarely realize the never-ending abilities of the brain. That being said, there’s also the other side to it that destroy some people.

Those people that get lost in their thoughts, but go way too deep.

Those people that can’t separate what matters and what doesn’t.

Those people that are so desperate to understand.

Those people that give away their self control.

Those people that just can’t help it.

Those people that just think too much.

Today, I started thinking too much. When we do that to ourselves, we just become filled with our own fears. Asking ourselves questions that shouldn’t be asked. Visualizing the wrong direction. Setting ourselves up to fail before we even try. It takes a lifetime to truly recognize the difference between thinking things through and scaring ourselves. We all do it. But we also have the ability to stop. To shut it off. It’s a damn blessing to have our thoughts. Once in awhile, though, we need to keep it quiet and preserve our possibilities.

Don’t let your trepidations block out what you know you can achieve. Like we always say – “Put your mind to it.” But only when it’s ready.

My latest distraction.

JAX TELLER. I seriously can’t get enough of this man. Since it feels like forever since Season 5 closed, I just started re-watching the series from the beginning. I think I’ve done this like 10 times already and it never gets old. I guess I’ll just keep staring till the Sons come back to me. I just hope he grew his hair out.

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Can’t pick between 2 and 3 as my favorite season. What’s yours?