24 years, 24 gifts.

So I’ve made it 24 years in this world. Go me! It’s a little upsetting that birthdays don’t seem as exciting anymore. I guess it’s normal. More and more, it just feels like another day gone by and I realize that really, it’s not all about me. Hmm, sounds cynical… but I don’t mean it to be. I just don’t get a kick out of planning huge parties for myself and expecting to be showered with gifts anymore. I just feel thankful. Thankful that I’ve made it to another year. So in an effort to keep the bigger picture in mind, here’s a list of some of the gifts that life has given me so far – that I stay indebted to.

  1. The people. Family, friends, enemies, boys, strangers – everyone. We all have lots of bad things to say about humankind. But in all honesty, I feel really lucky to be a part of what we are. We’re pretty  amazing. Which expands to my deep appreciation of my relationships – past, present, and future. Every interaction, good and bad, I am simply grateful.
  2. My shitty childhood. I mean, no one really knows. There’s a select few that I’ve shared stories with. No one knows all of it except myself, obviously. But who in the hell has time for that sob story? I used to spend so much time despising what I had to go through, hating life because of it all. Now I realize I’d be nowhere without those experiences.
  3. Korean food. Yeah I’m biased, but it really is the best. Hands down. If you’re one of those people that think KBBQ and kimchi is Korean food, go away. Along with those that think burritos and tacos are Mexican food, those that think kung pao chicken and broccoli beef is Chinese food, etc.
  4. The ’90s. Again – biased, but who the fuck cares. I killed bitches at pogs.
  5. Painful laughter. ROFL? LMAO? Alright, literally – I type this all the time and not ONCE have I really been rolling on the floor or even physically laughing. I probably just smile, if that. It’s ok, we all do it. There are only a handful of times I’ve laughed so damn hard that I’m crying and in real pain. I remember all of them. And damn… good times.
  6. Nature. Water, trees, air, dirt, animals, clouds, all of it. We live in a breathtaking world.
  7. Fear. What else pushes us that hard?
  8. Bad TV. The Bachelor, Jersey Shore, everything Kardashian, anything on Bravo. There’s just something about knowing how horrible that shit is, that makes it so damn good.
  9. San Francisco. The 1st and only place that’s ever felt like “home”.
  10. A$AP Rocky. Aka Lord Flacko. Aka Rakim Mayers. That pretty motherfucker. In love, OBSESSED. Any video on YouTube that has him in it? I’ve watched all of them. Le sigh…
  11. My sisters. One of my biggest accomplishments and treasures. Too much has changed, but nothing can kill what this sisterhood has given me, shown me, and taught me. Sigma Omicron Pi.
  12. Tears. If you really know me, you know I cry. And I’m really not ashamed.
  13. White boys. All day.
  14. Teachers and educators. The ones that don’t need a paycheck. The ones that actually care. The ones that make a difference.
  15. America. God bless the U.S. of A. Yeah there’s a lot of bullshit around here. But what place doesn’t? There will always be something wrong and there will always be someone pointing it out. Any damn place you live. So shut up and appreciate. Or just leave. You could do that, too.
  16. Carl Rogers. One of our forefathers of humanistic psychology. Thank you for the work you did and left behind. Your contributions continue to amaze the people. And I for one, choose to live by them.
  17. Hot showers. I really believe this is one of those things we take for granted way too much. Next time you have one, just stand there and take it in. Think about it. We’d be lost.
  18. Eyeliner. Can’t live without it.
  19. Writing. I’ve always enjoyed it, but just recently started utilizing it as therapy. Best decision of my life.
  20. Whiskey. Let me not sit here and pretend I’m some sort of a connoisseur. Because I’m not. But if we’re drinking, don’t ask me, “Clear or dark?”
  21. The music. I hate when people ask me what my favorite type of music is. Because half the time we ask this question, we innately judge each other or just lie. So let’s just not. Music is beautiful, no matter what you and I like. We don’t have to agree with what’s best, but at least be true to what you enjoy. Oh and listen to Radiohead. Just do it.
  22. Drugs. I’m proud to say I’ve been completely drug (and tobacco!) free since January of this year. Quitting the sticks was a conscious effort, but the drugs just kind of wore off. Not to go into too much detail – I’ve done and tried everything I was interested in. I’m a true believer that everyone should try what they want, if they want. If hard addiction kicks in, unfortunately, it was taken too far. But I’m no one’s mother. I just had an open mind, did what I wanted, and saw the world in so many different ways. Pun intended.
  23. Dreaming. You know, while sleeping. Having dreams is so fascinating to me. All the underlying causal beliefs, the vividness, the stories. So amazing.
  24. The mind. Probably the most important thing to me. I cherish my ability to think. I am nothing without my mind.
Advertisements

Where do you draw the line?

Yes, times are shitty. I got that. Yes, it feels like everything is coming at you all at the same time. I got that. But at some point, this self pity has got to end. I’m so tired of listening to everything that’s going wrong. It’s called “going through a rough time”. So how about you go through it and deal with it instead of digging yourself deeper and deeper. I’ve tried really hard to shut my mouth and quiet my own struggles. So that you can feel like your problems are the world’s worst. So that you can keep thinking about yourself. But maybe that’s my mistake. Oh wait. But every other option would turn into my bad anyway. I know how this works. Your undying contradictions made whole with fallacies – a little circular reasoning? Or the slippery slope, possibly? Shit, maybe it’s both.

I’ve been silent.

Do you even see that? Do you even get what’s going on? How can every question you ask yourself go back to beginning with “why” and ending with “me”? Is it that bad? It’s not. And I know that answer because it’s never that bad. When all you’re doing is sitting there expecting for shit to turn around and feeling disappointed when your “rightful” expectations of everyone else is caught dead – something should click. No one’s to say that your expectations aren’t right. But what about you? Why is it, that you’re unable to ask yourself that one question? Life doesn’t owe you a goddamn thing. You do. So stop taking it so damn personally, stop blaming the world, and please – stop using me. I’ve drawn my line… when will you?

Thoughts…

from a rough past few weeks.

Today felt as though family didn’t exist. Just for today. Obviously that’s a far fetched feeling from the truth. Some would say dramatic even. But I think it’s ok to let those feelings… be felt. We so often want to be a better person than how we really feel inside. Last night was in some ways, an exact replica of those childhood emotions. A mother so distraught, so consumed in her self pity, yet her strength was still evident. And then there’s the father. So lost in his life-long sorrow mixed in with his never ending rage. Standing side by side with no element of love for each other. They have a lot of moments like this. They always did. Moments where each word exchanged was like twisting a knife through my insides. And there’s nothing I can do, but watch. When I was younger, it was all fear and an escape plan. And yes, some of the same instincts still reside. But it’s a little different this time. It’s a little like I’m trying to understand – rather than hide from it. Maybe I do understand and I just want to help. Unfortunately, there’s nothing I can do. It wasn’t always like this for them. I have to believe in that. Because I know they never stop trying. Even though I can see the unwillingness to live inside them. It’s goddamn heartbreaking. But this is how they’re dealing with it. Some would try and make it better. Truth is, I spent too much time blaming them for not showing me how to be happy. When really, they’re being the best versions of themselves that they know how to be. Instead of stepping in, I’m understanding. Of course I know their potential is bigger than they know. But it’s not a help for me to pound that into them. We ultimately listen to ourselves. And I can only hope that they may see that potential before they take their last breath.

So the day after went by just as it should. Pretty much just silence. There’s some bursts of trying to break the silence. But it’s all it really is. Eventually, it will get back to normal. And we’ll re-visit these feelings again.

One thing stays true every time. They never completely give up. Maybe it’s for me. I say that with the least amount of narcissism. I think they’re longing for my success. The same way I am. I think they’re waiting to learn how to be happy. From me.

Too much.

My appreciation for the mind has grown significantly these past few months. I honestly believe it’s something we all take for granted, a little too much. To us, it’s just a necessity. It’s so automatic that we rarely realize the never-ending abilities of the brain. That being said, there’s also the other side to it that destroy some people.

Those people that get lost in their thoughts, but go way too deep.

Those people that can’t separate what matters and what doesn’t.

Those people that are so desperate to understand.

Those people that give away their self control.

Those people that just can’t help it.

Those people that just think too much.

Today, I started thinking too much. When we do that to ourselves, we just become filled with our own fears. Asking ourselves questions that shouldn’t be asked. Visualizing the wrong direction. Setting ourselves up to fail before we even try. It takes a lifetime to truly recognize the difference between thinking things through and scaring ourselves. We all do it. But we also have the ability to stop. To shut it off. It’s a damn blessing to have our thoughts. Once in awhile, though, we need to keep it quiet and preserve our possibilities.

Don’t let your trepidations block out what you know you can achieve. Like we always say – “Put your mind to it.” But only when it’s ready.

My latest distraction.

JAX TELLER. I seriously can’t get enough of this man. Since it feels like forever since Season 5 closed, I just started re-watching the series from the beginning. I think I’ve done this like 10 times already and it never gets old. I guess I’ll just keep staring till the Sons come back to me. I just hope he grew his hair out.

030613a

Can’t pick between 2 and 3 as my favorite season. What’s yours?

Calling South Carolina locals!

I’ve only been living here a little over 2 months now and word on the street is, I’ll be moving out of state once again in a few months. Le sigh -.- Anyway, I’d love to check out what this place has to offer before I leave. More specifically in the Greenville area (though that may filter places out by a lot…). I’m a sucker for legit coffee houses, hiking for amazing views, cultured neighborhoods I can get lost in (in a good way, you know… not literally lost), and authentic food – restaurants I can’t find anywhere else. Any suggestions?

Live your philosophy.

If you ask me, it’s a bit near impossible to choose just one motto to live by. The one I related to for the longest was the straight up “Shit happens.” And for the most part, that remains true. Then I started to realize that I was just giving myself a simple explanation for the course of events in my life. But it’s not an explanation we need. We need structure. We need inspiration. Not too long ago, I sparked up a keen interest in Carl Rogers and his work. He’s one of our forefathers of the humanistic approach to psychology. One of his quotes really spoke to me and it has now become my inspired philosophy. I found this great sketch (not sure who the artist is, but credit definitely goes to them!) and quickly added Rogers’ words onto it. I’ve plastered it everywhere possible and make a daily conscious effort to live what I believe.

030413

So instead of finding an explanation, let’s just search for a direction – and just live it.

What’s your philosophy?

Revisit what you learn.

I’m fortunate enough to have learned many lessons last year. One of the biggest things I learned stems from the ever-enveloping obstacle of a broken heart. Womp womp. So in an effort to never forget, I’d like to revisit what I said to myself a couple months back.

Heartbreak is one of those things that’ll always be there. It never gets easier, but if you let it, a broken heart can refresh a broken mind. Obviously, life comes with no guarantees. So let’s stop acting like it does. When that “forever” disappears, don’t expect life to feel sorry for you. ‘Cause let’s be real – it won’t. It’s a lie when you decide not to care. It’s a lie when you decide to stop giving chances. It’s a lie when you decide to shut yourself off. Take heartbreak for what it is and stop blaming it on how you love. Stop being bitter, keep loving the way you do, and stop searching for what you think that heartbreak owes you. Defend love, even when it doesn’t defend you.

If you’re like me and the casual “time heals all” doesn’t excite you, just listen to yourself. Really listen. Admit to yourself the things you already know deep down, but never have the courage to hear because your self-pity is winning. It’s not the end of the world. Just the end of one you don’t belong in.

_____________________________________________________________

On an easier note, I took a drive up to Mt. Pisgah in NC today. Freezing cold (thanks “spring”), but beautiful nonetheless. Never take for granted the beauty we’re surrounded with! If it’s love you’re missing, go find nature. It’ll be the most rewarding relationship of your life 🙂

Looking Glass Falls - Brevard, North Carolina

Looking Glass Falls – Brevard, North Carolina

What you and I signed up for.

The 1st post. Here’s the long story, short. 2012 was a weird year and I vowed to myself that it was time to make big changes – for the better. Moved across the country (San Francisco to South Carolina, to be exact) looking for second chances and an opportunity to do some serious soul-searching. So far, I’m certain 2013 is, and will remain, a life-altering year for me. I’ve learned an immense amount about myself and what this life is worth.

I’m not interested in becoming some self-taught life guru and pushing my experiences to the public, saying this is how you should live. Nor am I interested in becoming some serious blogger that overthinks my thoughts in fear of being criticized. A fair warning: I write in fragments, I’m a comma whore, and I love it. There’s a time and place for proofreading and I won’t be doing that here.

The purpose? I recently found this crazy desire to have a conversation with a stranger. Someone who doesn’t share past memories, someone who doesn’t ask how my day was today, but someone to share our thoughts for tomorrow.  I daydreamed about going to the coffee shop, finding a quiet little spot with my Carl Rogers book (my latest inspiration), to look up and just meet a stranger. I’m aware how that can sound creepy, but I find something so attractive to be able to talk to someone new that has no idea of who you are. And when I say talk, I mean deep conversations. With no pressure of trying to be someone you’re not, but to just share parts of someone you’re becoming.

Unfortunately, I haven’t brought reality to this daydream. Hopefully until then, the emptiness of this blog can be my stranger. Whether one person ends up reading this or no one at all – I’m happy to allow myself to bring my thoughts out from the safety of my own mind.