Thoughts…

from a rough past few weeks.

Today felt as though family didn’t exist. Just for today. Obviously that’s a far fetched feeling from the truth. Some would say dramatic even. But I think it’s ok to let those feelings… be felt. We so often want to be a better person than how we really feel inside. Last night was in some ways, an exact replica of those childhood emotions. A mother so distraught, so consumed in her self pity, yet her strength was still evident. And then there’s the father. So lost in his life-long sorrow mixed in with his never ending rage. Standing side by side with no element of love for each other. They have a lot of moments like this. They always did. Moments where each word exchanged was like twisting a knife through my insides. And there’s nothing I can do, but watch. When I was younger, it was all fear and an escape plan. And yes, some of the same instincts still reside. But it’s a little different this time. It’s a little like I’m trying to understand – rather than hide from it. Maybe I do understand and I just want to help. Unfortunately, there’s nothing I can do. It wasn’t always like this for them. I have to believe in that. Because I know they never stop trying. Even though I can see the unwillingness to live inside them. It’s goddamn heartbreaking. But this is how they’re dealing with it. Some would try and make it better. Truth is, I spent too much time blaming them for not showing me how to be happy. When really, they’re being the best versions of themselves that they know how to be. Instead of stepping in, I’m understanding. Of course I know their potential is bigger than they know. But it’s not a help for me to pound that into them. We ultimately listen to ourselves. And I can only hope that they may see that potential before they take their last breath.

So the day after went by just as it should. Pretty much just silence. There’s some bursts of trying to break the silence. But it’s all it really is. Eventually, it will get back to normal. And we’ll re-visit these feelings again.

One thing stays true every time. They never completely give up. Maybe it’s for me. I say that with the least amount of narcissism. I think they’re longing for my success. The same way I am. I think they’re waiting to learn how to be happy. From me.

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