I think I should start off by saying “sorry.” I’m sorry life dealt you a bad hand. I’m sorry that it’s filled with nothing but disappointments and anger. I’m sorry that you never got to find yourself and probably never will. I’m sorry that you are the person you are. There’s nothing I wish for more than a different kind of life for you. But those kinds of wishes aren’t given. They’re earned. I can wish all I want. And so can you. But no matter how many times you hope for it, it won’t happen. Because you know it’s not something you can handle.
I have tried everything and thought every idea to try and understand you. All that has resulted in is repeated chances. Chances you don’t even ask for. Chances you expect. And though she’ll never stop handing them to you, I’m done. Done being angry, done being hopeless, done being sad. You expect chances, I expect nothing. Anymore at least.
What this latest incident has shown me is your inability to own up to yourself. I think I’ve always known that you would never change, but I thought that came from a subconscious being. But no. You choose to be this way. You choose to be a horrible role model, an evil partner to ___, an enemy to me, and pain to ___. Everything you did, I labeled as part of the equation of you having a shitty life. Through everything, I always seemed to admire your hardworking tendencies. I felt sorry for you. I mean, goddamn, I’ve spent nearly my whole life so far making up mental excuses for you — telling myself that I had to let it go because I won’t ever really know how you feel. But of course, I have myself to blame for those. You have no idea how much I tried. And how ironic is it all? That it’s all part of a sick fucking game to you.
You gave yourself a lifetime pass because of something that happened in another era. You keep working hard. Not out of commitment & love. But to keep tabs on how much you “do for us,” so you can use it against us. There’s no use in talking anymore. Not even to fight.
No, I won’t ignore you. I won’t even be mean. Because I don’t care anymore. If this is how you want things to be, I’ll support that. But just know…I quit being your ____. I will never take credit for being a good ___. I wasn’t. I always gave you attitude, never expressed love to you, didn’t succeed like I should’ve. But one thing I will always take for credit? I never gave up.
Till now. I’ll play it your way. Everything I do from now on, will be to live a life so opposite yours that it hurts. I will never let you get in the way anymore. I’m sorry it has to go this way. I’m sorry you never got what you wanted. I’m sorry that this is life. Yours. But never mine.